This post is a bit late but it needed extra time… or I needed extra time to get it right.
If you are a parent you know the tactic of delivering choices and how to sway decisions toward your desired results. Do you want to wear the pink bow or the bright pink bow, do you want to put on your shoes and then brush your teeth or do you want to brush your teeth first. It’s an art. I have felt throughout my life that I am a smart, aware, moral individual fully capable of making solid decisions. I wanted to believe I couldn’t be swindled or tricked and I made solid decisions weighing all options and thinking through every possible consequence. I didn’t need other’s to explain or give their opinion, or so I thought.
On my darkest day, at 28 years old, all of that was challenged. I sat in a room with my husband by my side with a genetic counselor trying to explain in great detail how horrible my daughter’s limited life would be. She explained my baby’s pain and struggle just to survive the pregnancy. She narrated the trauma my daughter would endure during delivery and then projected a treacherous death. Some of her words still echo in my grief. “You want to save her from that don’t you?” ~ “I know you cannot intend for her to suffer.” These words were delivered to my broken heart and fogged filled mind. Minutes before I was filled with hope and excitement. I was dreaming of my 3rd child. Now all hope was gone and all dreams were ripped away.
My recollection of this part of that day is of being in a deep hole, hearing words spoken down to me with an echo and me being desperate to escape the depth I found myself in.
Desperation – the loss of hope / despair resulting in extreme rash behavior / surrender to despair or hopelessness
Desperation can cause destruction. When desperation arrived, I had a moment where I surrendered to the hopelessness. It can cause you to abandon all things you know to be true. Desperation in it’s definition is negative. But throughout this blog you will see how Romans 8:28 is proven to be TRUTH in my life. Even something as dark as desperation, God turned to good in my life. On this dark, horrible day God chose desperation to teach me and that lesson opened my eyes to HIS heart.
As the genetic counselor spoke she was offering a way out. A surrender to hopelessness. Such an easy decision given the facts and science. Save your baby from suffering. Every mother’s heart is to do that, right? Easy, just sign right here and we can make that happen. Sign here and we can “interrupt” the pregnancy. As she handed me the paper and pen I looked at my husband. I don’t know what he saw, we’ve never talked about it, but I saw a blank stare from him. I thought at that moment it was my decision alone. Desperation was hovering over me. I reached forward with tears streaming to sign the form. I placed my pen on that line, ready to stroke my signature. Even now as I write this, I am back in that moment. The smell of rubbing alcohol burned my nose, I looked again at Jeff and he returned my gaze with tears in his eyes which made me hesitate. I don’t know what about his look awakened me but for the first time since the terrible news about my sweet daughter, I actually was fully present. Or maybe instead of surrendering to hopelessness, I surrendered to Truth. I felt my insides stand up. I walked myself through what “interrupt” meant. Still not clear. What did this genetic counselor mean? I looked at this young girl and stared at her eyes and asked “Do you want me to abort my baby? Is this an abortion form?”
I can’t even begin to describe how strongly I felt about abortion and about those that feel it is a viable option. I could try, but thankfully God shattered that window I viewed this heated topic through. That window that allowed me to judge others and feel I had the right to do so. This post is not about Abortion but about surrender to God to live the life HE intends for you. I do want to say I believe that life is precious and every child deserves the right to life, but please hear me, as a Christian my heart breaks for those women that are in a position for abortion to be their answer, however they got there. All that is required from me should be compassion, love and respect. Their decision is not mine. Their actions are not for me to reprimand. They do not need to be judged or badgered or condemned. This is NOT my place. My place is to LOVE (John 13:34). God has redemption for every situation and I believe, because I have to, that death is not the end. That we have HIM on our side no matter what we choose or is chosen for us. We just need to surrender to HIM. He will always have our back.
So with the abortion form in front of me and my insides tingling with life and my husband delivering all of his strength to me, I stood up and said I do not want to interrupt or abort or do anything. I want to have my baby and I walked out. I walked out to a HUGE (and I mean unbelievably huge) support system of friends and family and church. I walked out with a husband by my side with only love and support for me. I walked out emotionally and financially stable without a horrific trauma. I walked out healthy. I walked out with a knowledge of who God was and what he desired for me. I walked out heartbroken and afraid but not alone. I was so fortunate. I am so fortunate.
I wish I could say that was the victory, but that was not. Humbly I can say that the victory didn’t come until much later. But what that day did was break me. Break how I had been programmed. Break something in me that was keeping me from empathy and love. That moment put me on a path of transformation. I am still working on transforming much of me. It’s crazy how things pop up and I say to myself “why do I think that way?” or “why did I say or respond like that?”. I surrender to ideals, lies, politics, religion, roles, and to family or friends. Some of that is good… but mostly it interferes with who I am supposed to be. I believe we need to surrender to the walk we each are on with God as the leader. I struggle with fighting for control… we all know this. I struggle with wanting to be right, duh. I don’t want to judge others, but too often I do. What I want to do is always choose Hope and Joy and Love through Jesus. I want to pass God’s love to all around me. I want to avoid desperation and surrender to HIM. I desire to have the heart to always be examining that my actions (and words) reflect the heart of Jesus not my picked up opinions and judgments from a life that is only one path of experiences. I want to surrender to be a reflection of God.
If you need someone to help you through – reach out for help. Do not live in desperation with the LIE that you are alone – you are not. Reach out to me if you don’t have someone you trust. I can get you connected to a support system that will help you find Hope. God loves YOU!